Tuesday, September 23, 2008

College would be sweet without classes and geeds


What the hell is UP dude? Yeah man, this year is going to be SICK! The tailgates are going to be so sweet, my frat is getting THREE kegs for the first game. I've already got my outfit planned too. The weather dude says it is going to be 90 degrees out, so I am going to just wear my blazer instead of my suit...Gotta keep myself cool despite the hot fratmosphere.

[Admires collection of Sorority date function t-shirts]

I won't be watching the game though, I'll be mixing drinks for sorostitutes thanks to all the mini-bottles I'm going to hide in my crotch. I am going to get HAMMERED. Stupid cops won't look there either, I bet they were geeds if they went to college at all. Not going to college = Not frat.

[Makes a pledge eat a tin of Skoal]

I mean, do they even know who they are messing with? I am Fratrick Bateman, I am Fratticus Finch, I am the brightest fratstar in the fratosphere. If you mess with me, you're getting BLACKBALLED. Being blackballed and thus becoming a geed = not frat.

[Does a kegstand, throws up all over a freshman]

Geeds are stupid. I mean, they dress like idiots. Who doesn't wear croakies? Button-downs? Seersuckers? Short shorts? Nope, they have to wear t-shirts with stupid sayings on them and have geed haircuts. I play golf, they play frisbee golf. Is there anything else I have to say?

[Buys an actual Vineyard Vines store]

Alright, I have to go look up some more words that I can fit Frat in front of... KIDDING GEED, I AM GOING TO GO GET ME A SOROSTITUTE.

Monday, September 22, 2008

This is Levi Johnston.


He got a girl, Bristol Palin, pregnant. Now they are getting married.

Things of this sort occur all the time, but not too often to daughters of candidates running for the second-most powerful position in the country. I think it is appropriate to figure out why these two families are dealing with this situation.

Things to do in Alaska (Besides getting knocked up):
  • Club innocent baby seals.
  • Drill for oil (Not).
  • Create maverick politicians.
  • Hunt Caribou.
  • Hunt for Caribou Coffees(More difficult to find, I'd imagine).
  • Throw rocks at Russia.
  • Build up an army of Polar Bears to fight global warming.
  • Freeze.
  • Think about moving somewhere where the sun isn't up all the time.
  • Play amateur hockey.
Wow, I don't blame him. Don't be scared Levi, you might get to live in a sweet house in D.C. and Bristol will be skinny again. At least you hope so.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

It's not me, it's you.

I've noticed, recently, that many people are complaining on Facebook. A little too much for my liking, quite frankly.

Examples:

-"Why won't he love me the way I love him?"
-"If he only knew how I feel..."
-"11:11, I wished for you!"

Such atrocities are filling up my precious news feed, and I do not like it. At all. So I am going to give it to you Fox News straight.

See...The truth is...

You look like a Gorilla.

I'm sorry. You really just look like a gorilla. I used to laugh, for about half-an-hour, when I thought about it. Now I laugh for a good forty-five minutes. The smushed-in face, the gigantic arms, the powerful fists - were you in Tarzan?

Saturday, May 3, 2008

Do You Smell What Barack is Cookin?

I wanna Barack and Roll all night, and party every day.

I wanna Barack....BARACK........I want to Barack.

Detroit Barack City.

Just sing that old time Barack and Roll.

Barack the Casbah.

Girl at the Barack Show.

Baracksanne.

Party like a BarackStar.

Trenchtown Barack (for all you Marley fans).

Barack Steady.